Caus(s)e and Effect

Sometime last August I was preparing for a wedding in the woods. I figured this would entail a headlamp, and so I bought a new battery for mine. (I forgot to bring it anyway.) Time passed. I awoke today with the traditional desire to deprive myself of sleep towards the goals of a Quest (in which I generally hunt down some item and buy it). I could not find my glasses. I dig through my room, the bathroom, the kitchen, all of them over and over until a search utilizing my conveniently-nearby headlamp reveals them in a dark nook of the underside of my bed where my fuzzass vision couldn't spot them. I burst out onto the street as fast as two hours of sleep can propel me.

On a side note, I spotted a plastic sign advertising a used car, with the contact number cut out of it and a smaller paper sign with the inscription "Fight Illegal Street Signs!" and a note saying that the defeat of the wretched ad beneath it was brought to you by C.A.U.S.S. I didn't know irony gathered that thickly in natural formations. But anyway!

I set forth to the nearest Gamespot and ask them for a Nintendo Wii. They tell me they're out, they know the other Gamespots are out, and they don't know when they're getting another shipment. I thank him and decide to check the nearest EB Games. Turns out the nearest EB Games is now Another Gamespot Sort Of Far Away From the Nearest One, probably due to another detailed chain of cause and effect involving lawyers and accountants and new signs. I decide to ask anyway as I'm there, and they hand a Wii to the lady waiting in front of me. It's like King Arthur stopping for a drink at the water cooler and finding all the tiny cups are Grails and the Lady In the Lake is doing the backstroke in the water tank. I snag one and skip out, happy and giddy as a clamoid schoolgirl. And, as a super-mega-fuckoff-yay bonus, I found Bender's Big Score waiting for me when I got back. All this happy joy is making me desire pizza, one of which I am endeavoring to order as I type.

So, to recap, a wedding made me want to eat a pizza. :D

Edward, the Loneliest Brick

Once upon a time, in a faraway Lowe's Hardware, there lived a blue-brown paver brick named Edward. Edward was always being made fun of by the other bricks because he had a faint crack running around his middle. They would taunt him and tease him every time someone set him aside for a less fractured one.

But one day, Edward was loaded up into a big blue Subaru by an elderly lady and her sluggish son with a lot of his neighbors. Edward was so very happy! He gibbered with glee with all the other bricks, and the other bricks had to agree that they were very happy as well, and he was very lucky to be there.

As the old woman unloaded the happy bricks into a Radio Flyer, she noticed Edward and gave a bitter sigh. "This one won't do, it is broken." she said, and set it aside in the trunk. The son merely grunted and kept with loading the wagon. Edward sat in heartbroken silence as the rest of his comrades slowly disappeared from view. Then it became dark as the hood came down. Edward knew he would be thrown away any time now, and cried.

But soon it became light again, and other bricks piled into the trunk. It became apparent to Edward that the old woman and the son were not good at math, and so needed more bricks to cover the area they were working on. He pulled himself out of his moping to speak to his new companions, saying how he was the only reject of a very large pile and that everyone else would be practically assured of a job. These new bricks were comforted by this, and told Edward his work must be the grandest of all if they were saving him. He cheered up a bit at hearing such kind words, and decided to look forward to the future with hope and determination, whatever it may be.

Then he was thrown out of the car to lay next to the mailbox, alone for the rest of his life save for those rare days when the crazy mailman would spit on him. The End.